Not Cool Enough.

So, I actually wanted to post a WIAW today, but what shall I say? – It’s not gonna happen.
Sorry, gals, but I’m just not feeling “food-y” today… Too many thoughts in my head, you know?
And therefore, instead of a WIAW, I am writing this post. Feel free, however, to just skip it if you prefer checking out yummy eats here.

As I’ve mentioned in my last post already, I currently feel much more positive about recovery than ever before.
Finally, I am finding out about what my body needs, what my tastebuds like, what my tummy can deal with… I am in fact learning so much about myself it’s amazing, and truly very motivating as well as I’ve never bothered much about my own needs actually. I’ve always put others before myself; their happines and wellbeing was more important than mine, their life was more precious.

I know this might sound like I’ve been able to stop focussing on other people so much, doesn’t it? – Well, I wish.
To be honest, I still regard others as more valuable and pay more attention to their wishes than mine. My Eating Disorder might be really selfish itself, definitely, but I’ve come to suspect I am using it to express my anger since I don’t allow myself to tell anyone “I am not okay with what you’re just doing” but keep running after each and everyone all. the. time., thinking they don’t “deserve” my anger or something.
In the end, it’s always me who gets to feel the anger inside of my heart, but I keep telling myself that is alright because if there is someone deserving to feel like this, it’s me.
Also, I am scared that once I tell someone I don’t agree with him, his words or his actions, it would make that person hate me and leaving me alone for the rest of my life.

I am well aware of that anyone doing this wouldn’t be worth it probably, but I have lost so much due to my Eating Disorder already the thought of losing precious people dear to my heart seems unbearable to me.
Therefore, I keep doing what I do and continue playing the obeying servant for everyone who wants me to – my dad, my sister, anyone. Indeed, I am pretty sure I’d even do this for my worst enemy… You know, just because.

As you can see, I am obviously very dependant on others, their comments, thoughts and actions, and most of all, their affection towards me.
Which is a problem since it affects my recovery as well.

You see, I have the feeling that some people are only interested in me because of my Eating Disorder.
I’ve never considered myself as really “special” or “exciting” in any way, so I suppose my Eating Disorder makes me more “interesting” for some; makes me kind of “fascinating” or whatever. I especially feel this way because some people only talk about my Eating Disorder when seeing or writing me, which can be really frustrating because I don’t want it to stay the centre of attraction in my life any longer.
However, the thought of losing someone terrifies me, so holding on to my Eating Disorder seems kind of “essential” if wanting to keep being “interesting” enough… Once again, a true vicious cycle - just like an Eating Disorder itself.

I want to recover, yes – but there are moments I doubt losing friends is worth it actually, even though it’s somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone of you ever felt like this before?
If yes, how did you deal with it?

I hope you excuse my non-existens WIAW-post this week… I’ll try to make up for it with an amazing one next week, promise!

Changes.

Spring! Spring! Spring!
I can feel it, sense it, smell it… And see it.

The flowers are finally starting to bloom!
So delicate and pretty, no one would expect the stregth they’ve brought up to be able to show their true beauty.

But the flowers are not the only ones who finally start blooming again.

In fact, I feel like I’m blooming myself - finally, after so many years, I feel like I’m starting to live again.
And it is so, so wonderful.

Let’s see how it all started: With apparently 1000 nervous breakdowns.
I felt beaten up, ready to give up, ready to disappear from this planet – in which way ever, I just wanted it to end.

Then, a girl I’ve had contact with for a while attempted suicide. Bam. All of a sudden, she was closer to death than I have ever been. She stopped breathing twice; the doctors had almost given up on her, and everything I could do was praying. Praying to god to let her live, let her wake up, give her one more chance; just one more chance to try and live.
It was horrible, to say the least, and it made me realize: I do not want ANYONE to go through this hell because of ME. Because I wasn’t strong enough to fight; not willing to get better because it’s “too hard”. That would have been terribly, terribly selfish, and I am not a selfish person at all - at least not voluntarily {I know anorexia makes me act differently sometimes, though}.

After four days, however, a miracle happened: The girl woke up! I condered this as a sign – for her, but also for me.
God had listened to my prayers, responded to my pleas and told both of us to take our chance; our last chance to finally turn things around.

Ever since, I am fighting.
Every. Single. Day.
And by now, after only about two or three weeks, I have come as far as I haven’t since seven years.
Step by step.

I’ve started medication. Plant- based medication as I am still a bit scared of the “real” stuff, but it works. It makes things easier most of the times; I feel more relaxed and less anxious, and that is what counts.
I’ve read “the book”. Which surprisingly helped. A lot. Which is huge since I’ve read like a million books dealing with Eating Disorder recovery and stuff already, and found all of them more triggering than anything else. This time, though, it was different – and, inspired by this incredibly strong lady, I did something really, really, REALLY amazing:
I deleted My Fitness Pal – meaning, I stopped macro-counting and meal planning kind of completely. Stopped calorie-counting and tracking sugar and fat.
I let go of all the control in my life. And for once, it actually felt right.

To be completely honest woth you all, I don’t even know how I was able to come up with the willpower to actually make this happen.
I’ve always been whining about recovery being “so hard”, “so painful”, “impossible to accomplish” – CRAP!
Everyone, every single one of us can do this - if he or she is willing to!

I am definitely not recovered, by far not… But this time, I know – for sure – that I will recover.
Not today, not tomorrow, but one day, I will be able to say: “I survived, fought, and conquered an Eating Disorder.”
And seriously, life – I cannot wait for this to happen.

{Unlucky} Fate.

Hello my lovely readers!

So yeah, after another major switch-up regarding my blog last week, not writing a post since might have made it appear like I was planning to neglect it again… But NO! Not at all was I intedning to do that, honestly.
The truth is, I’ve been pretty busy lately, and after Miss Studid here dropped her iPhone on Wednesday, shattering the display completely so that it had to be admitted to an iPhone clinic for the second time {my dad told me to include something like a “health insurance” for my phone into my next contract as I obviously have a faible for breaking them on a constant basis… And yes, such a thing DOES exist.} my motivation to write a post died completely. Posts without pictures just aren’t the same, but well… I {and you} have to deal with that now, bleh. Sorry guys.

However, as mentioned above already, I am quite busy at the moment.
You might ask yourself now “What the hell is she busy with?! She doesn’t even have a job!” – Uh-Uh… WRONG! I do have a job; I actually work at my uncle’s until my new training starts in September {and even then, I will probably help him out occasionally as I need to pay the school fees somehow} who has a small mail-order firm selling Science Fiction/ Horror books.
Usually, I am doing stuff like book keeping, writing bills, pack the books in boxes for shipping.. But guess what I am doing as well at this very moment?!
Proofreading a novel!
As an absolute bookworm, I probably don’t need to tell you just how exciting this is for me. Getting paid for reading a cool novel, well… I can’t complain about that, haha

Sadly, the novel will be ready-proofread by next Tuesday or so, but right now, I am simply enjoying the pleasure and the privilege of reading a yet unpublished book. My mom is pretty jealous, by the way, because she loves any books from the author whose novel I am reading, but yeah… I won’t spoil her, nope!

So yeah, that’s all basically… I have to continue reading now, elsweise, we’ll get a problem with the guy from that publishing company

On Tuesday, my iPhone will hopefully be back, so I’ll be back with some pictures again asap!

I hope you’re all well and enjoying your weekend!

Much love <3

Hi!

Might I introduce myself once more?
I’m Kat, a 20-year-old, girly something who still is – and always will be – a little girl inside. And outside, too, since I am 5″1.

I used to blog here and drown in self-pity, but I don’t want that anymore.
The past weeks have shown me where it gets me, and – surprise, surprise – it’s nowhere.
My life has been awful because all I’ve been seeing were the negative things that happened, and each time I opened my blog, I was like “Woah, look how shitty your life has become” – due to my very own posts.
And apart from that, the grey-ish color was seriosuly kind of depressing, wasn’t it?

So, here’s to another approach.
I know I’ve been doing this twice already, but this time I mean it. I want a life, so I gotta fight for it.
No whining, no complains.
Instead, just some facts:

I live pretty rurally in a small German town, and even though I’d rather live in a completely different country where it’s warmer and more sunny, it’s kind of nice here actually – especially with my best friend, my mom, and my beloved doggy around!

I also have a dad and a sister, but they are not that much into photos – just like my mom.
Aw.

I love nature, long walks in the sun, books and cute dresses;
I am obsessed with Disney – Ariel in particular, obviously – and Lalaloopsy dolls,
and I am passionate about foreign languages, which is why I am going to study my ass off and become a foreign language correspondence clerk, maybe even a translator.

Oh, and I am in recovery from anorexia, a nasty illness that’s been ruling my life for far too long now, so I finally feel like it’s about time to kick it to the curb.

If you’d like to, I’d be glad to take you on a journey through life, love and recovery – there is so much to see and so much to explore in this world. we just need to open our eyes and actually have a LOOK!
Ready, steady – off we go!