So, I actually wanted to post a WIAW today, but what shall I say? – It’s not gonna happen.
Sorry, gals, but I’m just not feeling “food-y” today… Too many thoughts in my head, you know?
And therefore, instead of a WIAW, I am writing this post. Feel free, however, to just skip it if you prefer checking out yummy eats here.
As I’ve mentioned in my last post already, I currently feel much more positive about recovery than ever before.
Finally, I am finding out about what my body needs, what my tastebuds like, what my tummy can deal with… I am in fact learning so much about myself it’s amazing, and truly very motivating as well as I’ve never bothered much about my own needs actually. I’ve always put others before myself; their happines and wellbeing was more important than mine, their life was more precious.
I know this might sound like I’ve been able to stop focussing on other people so much, doesn’t it? – Well, I wish.
To be honest, I still regard others as more valuable and pay more attention to their wishes than mine. My Eating Disorder might be really selfish itself, definitely, but I’ve come to suspect I am using it to express my anger since I don’t allow myself to tell anyone “I am not okay with what you’re just doing” but keep running after each and everyone all. the. time., thinking they don’t “deserve” my anger or something.
In the end, it’s always me who gets to feel the anger inside of my heart, but I keep telling myself that is alright because if there is someone deserving to feel like this, it’s me.
Also, I am scared that once I tell someone I don’t agree with him, his words or his actions, it would make that person hate me and leaving me alone for the rest of my life.
I am well aware of that anyone doing this wouldn’t be worth it probably, but I have lost so much due to my Eating Disorder already the thought of losing precious people dear to my heart seems unbearable to me.
Therefore, I keep doing what I do and continue playing the obeying servant for everyone who wants me to – my dad, my sister, anyone. Indeed, I am pretty sure I’d even do this for my worst enemy… You know, just because.
As you can see, I am obviously very dependant on others, their comments, thoughts and actions, and most of all, their affection towards me.
Which is a problem since it affects my recovery as well.
You see, I have the feeling that some people are only interested in me because of my Eating Disorder.
I’ve never considered myself as really “special” or “exciting” in any way, so I suppose my Eating Disorder makes me more “interesting” for some; makes me kind of “fascinating” or whatever. I especially feel this way because some people only talk about my Eating Disorder when seeing or writing me, which can be really frustrating because I don’t want it to stay the centre of attraction in my life any longer.
However, the thought of losing someone terrifies me, so holding on to my Eating Disorder seems kind of “essential” if wanting to keep being “interesting” enough… Once again, a true vicious cycle - just like an Eating Disorder itself.
I want to recover, yes – but there are moments I doubt losing friends is worth it actually, even though it’s somewhat embarrassing.
Has anyone of you ever felt like this before?
If yes, how did you deal with it?
I hope you excuse my non-existens WIAW-post this week… I’ll try to make up for it with an amazing one next week, promise!